The argument had gone on for days, and, as usual, revolved around money. We were at that point of being broke where Left Over-Left Over Stew had been on the table for more than a week. To this day I cannot abide Left Over Stew.
Bob had been working directing commercials, and Mom had been designing sets. You can make a lot of money in Hollywood, but it generally comes in spurts. If you don't save during the good times, you're sunk during the bad times. We were in a bad time. And there were no savings.
Mom had this thing with money. I got it, too, and apparently so does my oldest son Matt. We tend to spend every last dime of what we have on hand, as well as part of what we're expecting to show up. Mom would spend more than Bob had coming before it ever got there, keeping us ever behind. It didn't matter how much he made, she would spend more. And when money was getting tight, she'd it spend faster. It's very stressful living like that.
I understand all this now, partly because of all the counseling I've been through, but also because I do it, too. See, when the money is almost gone, you get this little warning bell in the back of your head. I don't have to keep a running balance in my checkbook because my subconscious keeps track. I'll be driving along when all of a sudden, a little voice says, "We NEED to go to the Thrift Store..." Translation: "We're about to overdraft our account, so we'd better spend what we have NOW before there isn't any to spend at ALL." Completely illogical, very immature, totally compulsive. Very hard to fight.
That voice is the inner child who is fearful of not having what she needs or wants this minute. Mom's inner child was desperate, and she was powerless against it. So was Bob, especially since his inner child was a lot more mature than Mom's, which only made her inner child dig in harder.
When he tried to reason with her, she battled with her amateur psychology. When he tried to be the Man of the House, she ridiculed and chastised him. Even a logical discussion that resulted in a joint decision would become fodder for the next argument. But, when he tried to cut off her access to the money, she would go into emotional distress and become dangerously unhinged.
One time, she was furious at Bob for trying to corral her spending. First she got angry, then she got depressed. She threatened divorce, then suicide. Then she disappeared for 3 days. We were all freaked out. Then one afternoon, I got home from school, and she was back, surrounded by packages. She'd been in San Diego, it turned out, at a hotel, on a shopping spree. Because we were broke.
Bob just sat smoking his pipe, watching her. She was giddy, happy, loving, and completely out of touch with reality. Insane, really.
And Bob never yelled, or recriminated her. He just watched her, hugged her, told her he loved her, and went off to putter in the garage, and figure out how to make the mortgage payment.
We watched her, too, because a spending binge was usually followed by a guilt-rage binge, and that would probably fall on us.
That night that Bob grabbed Mom by the throat? It was scary, but even at the time, we didn't blame him. Not one bit.
